Ladies, What Type of Sports Fan Are You?

Raised in a female-dominated household, I learned quickly that women are smarter than men. Fortunately men have sports to show expertise in something. But every now and then a gal knows more or just as much about sports. If she rips out statements like: “why do they run this running back outside when he’s clearly a stronger inside runner? And why were they running? This defense is the 28th-ranked pass defense in the league. These third down conversions are crucial” … then she’s considered All-Knowing.

An un-‘roided version of the All Knowing, this gal roots passionately for her team regardless of how good they are. She doesn’t necessarily know the X’s and O’s, but she loyally plans around game times, and knows most of her team’s players.

Passion is contagious; so many women who aren’t Die Hards/All Knowings root for their significant other’s team. Sometimes she does so because wants her boyfriend to be happy — and he is happiest when his team wins. Also, she may grow to enjoy rooting for his team. She may not know much about what’s going on, but if she continues to attend events, she’s usually a quick study. It’s sort of the way I learned all the dudes’ names on the Housewives of New Jersey–painful osmosis while watching TV with a girlfriend.

This gal spouts out incorrect facts with Tourette’s-like enthusiasm: “oh my God, why didn’t he throw a changeup to that linebacker so that they could have scored a holding penalty in the basket?” Often, the mashing up of athlete names and sports terms leads to awkward situations.

This gal doesn’t give a crap about sports, and she owns it. She lives a life (like I wish I could) void of sports and all of its emotional triumph and failures.

This is by far the worst type of female fan. I have a Fair Weather at work. All season, while I slaved away over my Baltimore Ravens, sacrificing Sundays, letting them play with my head with their ups and downs, she didn’t mention the Giants — or football for that matter — once. In fact, she pretended to be a Passive: “I’m just too good to care.” Seconds after the Giants Super Bowl win, she proclaimed Giants love. To spread her venom, she took to social media, replacing her Facebook profile picture with the Giants logo (I’ve never had anything Baltimore Raven-related as my picture despite crying on multiple occasions over them.) Like a crop duster, she sprayed her “go Giants” status updates all over the internet. The Fair Weather usually knows 1-3 guys on the team of her choice — the ones that are married to a reality TV star, or appear in Us Weekly or Page 6. Sometimes it’s the best player, or most important player like the quarterback.