Alright guys, you have a week until the big day. That should give you MORE than enough time to prepare. However, in order to prevent your untimely demise, let me help you out with a few things you should ABSOLUTELY NOT GIVE your woman on Valentine's Day (and in some cases, ever.)




A Coupon For Any Kind Of “Lovin'”



You see a night of giving her anything she wants. She sees what really happened here. You realized you had five minutes to find her a gift and that was the best you could come up with. Lazy. Thoughtless. And don't even THINK about putting an expiration date on it.




Tickets To See YOUR Favorite Team Play


Unless she truly shares the obsessive level of fandom for the team that you do, do not get her tickets to a game. We like sports. We like to go to games with our men. But this is a gift for you, and we all know it. Fail.




The Same _______ You Got Your Last Girlfriend



We at some point will stumble upon pictures/evidence of your previous relationships. Not a big deal. But if your lady stumbles upon a picture where your ex is conveniently wearing the same exact diamond necklace/scarf/sweater you just got her…well, you better hope she doesn't try to choke you with it.




An Oil Change Or Other Car-Related Maintainance



Going to get an oil change for her car so she doesn't have to? Precious. Getting her an oil change and calling it a Valentine's Day gift? Bad idea. Trust me. Same applies for washing, inspecting, or otherwise maintaining her car. It's so very appreciated, but it's so not a V-Day gift.







Women love Spanx. We rave about them. They are magical. But the second a man realizes we use them, we want to crawl in a hole and die. You might as well just save the money and tell her she disgusts you…and scrap those dinner reservations because she'll never want to eat in front of you again.




Diet Pills



On a somewhat related note, even if your lady has been talking about said product for month, chatting about how she wishes she could afford/find/buy them, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER BUY A WOMAN DIET PILLS. Not only are they unhealthy, but you will forever be the meanest man who ever existed. Seriously, if you'd even consider this a good idea in any situation, just smack yourself upside the head, then keep reading.




Lingerie (Specifically If It's Too Big Or Too Small)



Here's the thing, lingerie CAN be an acceptable gift, but you better tread lightly here. It better be pretty, not raunchy, and if it's the wrong size, you're in for a rough night, to say the least. Too big or too small, she'll get it in her head that her body is not attractive to you and that you want her to diet, or get implants, or something equally negative, even though it clearly just means you want to see her half-naked. (I never said women made sense, I'm just telling you what she will think.)




A Vacuum, Dustbuster, or Equivalent Reminder Of How She's Always Cleaning Up After You


Was that not clear? This should be an easy one, guys. No appliances. Of any kind. That's it.




A Gift Card


Okay, I can almost understand this. I've made you so paranoid, that you figure you'll just get her a gift card, and she can just get what she wants! NO. A gift card says, “I don't know you at all, and I'm not interested in putting in the effort to find something you'll like.” The only thing worse than a gift card would be giving her a wad of cash…or #1 on our list.




Food Poisoning



You've decided to cook a special meal for your woman. Love it! You've set the table with beautiful linens, lit candles, bought a beautiful fresh bouquet of her favorite flowers, and looked up a fabulously delicious yet healthy recipe for some kind of “chick food” (You know, like a frittata or a quiche). The thing is, you're a terrible cook. You have now served her up a big plate of salmonella, causing her SERIOUS embarrassment (in addition to those OTHER issues…) Here's a tip, keep some Pepto handy…or just order in. Those candles and flowers will still be a nice touch!